I love that the prompt to write is "compose". My entire life has been a journey, a quest, to do just that... to compose myself. To be a part of something, not apart from everything. Trying to put elements together to form a whole, an entire human being... to make-up of... comprise... constitute... put together... I am not composed. I am anti-composed. Un-composed. Decomposed. Ew. I went one step too far... again.
12/08/2023
How interesting to discover something written so long ago... After losing 2 years worth of writing when a laptop crashed, (this was before the cloud, and back up schmack up) and after finishing my AS, I haven't written much at all. I've lately been feeling that pull to compose... to put my thoughts down once again.
I must admit... I really love the above little scrap. Newly discovered, I find it encouraging. So, I'll begin again... slowly. Little bits here and there... just enough to calm that little gremlin called anxiety, that inevitably begins to creep back in. Or perhaps it never actually leaves, but instead simply hides itself more expertly, finding deeper, more hidden alcoves in the farthest reaches of my mind, until the loneliness is once again too much and that little twisted gremlin can't resist peeking out once more to see if the world is yet a kinder place. Perhaps that little gremlin is hope... We shall see...
12/30/2023
Shut up, shut down, shut in, shut out, shut off
Stand up, stand down, stand in, stand out, stand off
Break up, break down, break in, break out, break off
Back up, back down, back in, back out, back off
Hold up, hold down, hold in, hold out, hold off
Hands up, hands down, hands in, hands out, hands off
Closed up, closed down, closed in, closed out, closed off
Cast up, cast down, cast in, cast out, cast off
08/20/2024
Boys are told to stop crying about it. Big boys don't cry. Be strong. Be tough. Girls are told that it never happened. It was a dream or a lie. We're told it wasn't that bad and to stop making a big deal about it. We're told that it's rude to mention it and that we're making people uncomfortable by talking about it. We're taught to smile and share meals with our abusers. We're told that to do otherwise is to create drama and we are judged negatively.
09/04/2024
14 Years to the day...
I was having a very difficult day yesterday. I couldn't seem to manage my emotions and found myself sobbing uncontrollably with no understanding as to why. I mean, I have some stress and worry due to being unemployed, but I knew that wasn't it, so I placed my hand on my heart and asked out loud, "Why are you crying?" And the answer was almost immediate as you jumped into my conscious mind.
It's interesting that while our conscious minds may not remember, our hearts do.Those unexpected 40,000 neurons, literal brain cells that were discovered to reside in our hearts... they remember.
So 14 years to the day since the knowledge of your betrayal rocked my ability to trust myself and my own perceptions.14 years to the day since your betrayal crushed any sense of self esteem, and destroyed any chance that I would ever feel safe or worthy and deserving of love.
I know I should be well past the devastation and grief of it, but I'm not. I think about it/you everyday. I don't mean to and I try to otherwise focus and engage... but it always comes back in waves. Sometimes it's just a gentle, but persistent lapping upon the shore of my memories. These days are manageable and the thoughts of you and the constant pain and grief are barely a blip on the radar. And then there are the tsunami days, when the remembrance of you and all that transpired, comes crashing down... a seemingly never ending torrent of pain and grief and the realization of it all. That tsunami that threatens to overwhelm... drowning all other thoughts as the debris that once was my life, batters my mind and heart... threatening to take me under.
I was having a very difficult day yesterday... 14 years to the day.
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