09/04/2024

14 Years to the day... 

I was having a very difficult day yesterday. I couldn't seem to manage my emotions and found myself sobbing uncontrollably with no understanding as to why. I mean, I have some stress and worry due to being unemployed, but I knew that wasn't it, so I placed my hand on my heart and asked out loud, "Why are you crying?" And the answer was almost immediate as you jumped into my conscious mind. 

It's interesting that while our conscious minds may not remember, our hearts do.Those unexpected 40,000 neurons, literal brain cells that were discovered to reside in our hearts... they remember. 

So 14 years to the day since the knowledge of your betrayal rocked my ability to trust myself and my own perceptions. 14 years to the day since your betrayal crushed any sense of self esteem, and destroyed any chance that I would ever feel safe or worthy and deserving of love. 

I know I should be well past the devastation and grief of it, but I'm not. I think about it/you everyday. I don't mean to and I try to otherwise focus and engage... but it always comes back in waves. Sometimes it's just a gentle, but persistent lapping upon the shore of my memories. Those days are manageable and the thoughts of you and the corresponding pain and grief are barely a blip on the radar. And then there are the tsunami days, when the remembrance of you and all that transpired, comes crashing down... a seemingly never ending torrent of  pain and grief and the realization of it all. That tsunami threatens to overwhelm... drowning all other thoughts as the debris that once was my life, batters my mind and heart... threatening to take me under. 

I was having a very difficult day yesterday... 14 years to the day.